12 year old (full of raging hormones from puberty, lack of sleep from poor choices the night before, and frustration that he slept through his alarm): "You didn't wake me up!"......"It's your fault I'm having such a bad morning"....."You don't care about me"......"My hair won't go right"......"This is going to be the worst day ever!"
Front door (innocent inanimate object): SLAM!!!!!!
15 seconds pass, front door opens, (sheepish 12 year old): "I missed the bus."
Mom (feeling intense anger and resentment at being treated so badly, but mustering most mature self): "What would you like to do about that?"
12 year old (very stressed and raised voice): "Ugh! Can you just take me?"
Mom (debating whether to make him walk to school in the rain for acting so poorly all morning, but decides to try another approach): "Yes, but would you like a Do-over while we drive so you can practice not being so grumpy and defensive?"
It's pretty much a scenario being repeated all over Layton this morning. Is there a right way to handle these interactions? Going on instinct alone results in confrontation and yelling, I've tried that. Doesn't work. Lots of parenting books I've read say not to interact with them when they act this way, ignore them, walk away, refuse to help, let them suffer the consequences of their poor behavior. Also, not one of my favorite approaches, no one wins and the anger festers for later, and you still have the dilemma of getting to school cause you really don't want them staying home at this point.
(Light shining down highlighting this paragraph): However, the "Do-Over" approach has worked well for me. It's what both us and our kids really want. A second chance to try that again, this time with the knowledge that what we just tried didn't work so well and a clean slate to try again. So, why not? It's what we do when we want to get better at something, practice and practice and practice. Think about music or sports or spelling or any skill for that matter......if you want to get better, you have to practice! So, why not behavior? When our kids (or even us) make a mess of things, we can interrupt the ensuing crash and burn and ask them if they'd like a do-over. "Hey, this isn't going very well for either of us, let's pause for a minute and then try a do-over." It's basically practice for better behavior and interactions. Right now it's with us, their mom or dad, but someday it will be with their husband or wife, their boss or their own kids. Trying again with knowledge of what didn't work so well and effort to make it a little better often results in improvement. And that's what "Do-overs" are all about.
Mom (relieved that all parenting for the last 12 years hasn't been wasted and that there is a more peaceful feeling as beloved child exits car) "Have a good day!"
12 yr. old (much calmer and relieved as getting out of car to face crazy day at Jr. High): "I will, thanks for taking me mom."
No door slam. :)
