The New "H" Word

How many times do you yell, "HURRY!" I was listening to myself the other day and I think I said it about 10 times in one minute.  Hurry to the car, Hurry to the bus, Hurry to eat, Hurry to the bath, Hurry to bed...until I couldn't remember why we were hurrying everywhere!  I know we live in a fast paced world and we get behind because we take on too many commitments.  But, who really pays the price of that word, "Hurry"?  Our nervous system, that's who.  Or our kids nervous systems or our spouse or our employees or even our poor pets.  There is a cascade reaction when the nervous system gets stressed.  A nice little chemical called Cortisol gets dumped in to the blood stream.  Now Cortisol is really handy if you are being chased by a bear or a tiger.  It speeds up your heart rate and your breathing so you can quickly get more energy to be able to run or fight or whatever is needed.  But, when there's no bear or tiger, it's quite an unpleasant experience to get a dump of cortisol.  Think about when you go to change lanes on the freeway and suddenly realize someone is there or almost run a red light, that's cortisol.  After listening to myself say "Hurry" a billion times I started linking it to a small (or large depending on the tone of my voice) cortisol dump.  It was happening inside my own body and I guarantee it was happening inside of my kids little bodies.  And for what?  A Bear?? A Lion??  Nope.  Soccer.  Or shoes.  Or even school.  Is that how I want to be sending my little kiddos off to a day of school?  With a nice little cortisol dump?  Here, Sam,  now "HURRY!" or you're gonna be late.  (But then go right inside and sit perfectly still and forget that inside of you there's a feeling of being chased by a bear!)  Sigh.  So, here's the thing.  Society as made us all a bit crazy at times.  The pressure to keep up and not be late is intense.  But, I'm gonna say that there's a new swear word in town.  The new "H" word at our house is H-U-R-R-Y.  Hurry.  And it's like swearing.  I've been trying really hard to not say it.  Instead I say, "hey, we're running behind here", or "do the best you can ok?"  or just say nothing and take a few breaths and realize the world won't stop revolving if you're late.  OR here's something to think about.....maybe planning a little more next time so you won't be late at all.  Just a thought.  (you know you can not be late to things you really decide not to be late to).   Regardless of the outcome, just decide you're not gonna say it and then don't.  Spare your kids and eventually yourself the cortisol dump that leads to increased anxiety and agitation.  Who knows but that one small change will help your kids and yourself feel more peaceful and less stressed.  And couldn't we all use just a little more of that?  So, cheers, to making the "H" word just a little less of an every-day-matter!!!

Remembering "Why" I'm a Mother

Sometimes I forget why I did what I did.  I forget that I had kids to bring me joy and meaning to life.  I forget that it was a decision that I made to bless my life.  And finally, I forget to enjoy what I've created!  Here are these precious little spirits in my home (some getting bigger than others) and they are here every day.  A little part of me and a little part of my sweetheart, truly, some of my most favorite people in the world! They are right under my nose and willing to be engaged with from the moment they wake up in the morning until the moment they fall asleep at night.  But, I forget sometimes why I wanted to engage with them at all!  There are several traps I fall in to.  1) The "you're bothering me" trap.  This one is for those days or times when our dearly beloveds just seem a bother.  I have an agenda and important things to do and you're needs just have to wait (or on bad days aren't important all together!)  These are the moments you snap curtly, "go do something else" or "quit bothering me!" or even "here, just play a game on the ipad".  2) the "don't have needs" trap.  It's almost a plea with the universe sometimes.  "Please let them not need me..." But, they do.  They're tired or hungry or stinky or just need attention.  And you are it! 3) Auto-pilot trap.   This one is sneaky cause it's basically, do nothing and nothing will happen.  Right.  Nothing.  Plug them in.  Let them eat cheetos and Trix for breakfast.  Or just never teach, comfort or guide.  It's a trap because nothing isn't "Why" we had kids at all! 4) The "Tune-out" trap.  It's like the jets that fly over my house every day.  I don't hear them anymore.  My kids fall in to the same trap sometimes.  I don't hear them anymore either.  Sad.  5) The control trap.  This one is the most prevalent for me.  Somehow I feel I need to control most things.  It isn't a democracy, it's a dictatorship.  But, really, I don't want to control everything and I do want my kids to learn choice and accountability.  Sometimes they will experiment with something and sometimes they'll like it and sometimes they'll hate it and change to something else.  It doesn't make them quitters.  It makes them independent thinkers!   I suppose there are more traps, but you get the gist.  I had kids because I wanted to delight in my creations and have a full life of engagement and challenges (yes, you heard me) and growth.  I want to recommit every time I notice a trap of my "why" I did what I did.  I want to remember that it was a deliberate choice and it isn't going to be perfect or always even pleasant.  But, when I laugh with my kids, watch them learn something new, or just engage with the world and life and learn, or even when they come to me for comfort because the world took a bite out, I have joy and there is meaning to my life. So, take a minute today to relish in your "why" and delight in your creations. Do it every day.  We're raising some of the best people in the world!  And that is an every-day-matter!!!!

The Unexpected

It's hard sometimes.  Life.  My hubby said it well, "Things like this are just what happen when you live in a fallen state".  I guess it's true too.  My 7 year old has to go in for an ACL repair on his knee.  Seems unfair for such a little guy.  Seems unfair that he land wrong on the one bounce on the trampoline.  Seems unfair that it just snapped, didn't pull or stretch or twist, just popped.  Seems unfair that the whole thing makes me nauseated every time I think about it.  But, that's how it is.  The unsecure thoughts are endless too.  What is something goes wrong? What if his growth plate is affected? What if we are making a mistake taking him in for surgery?  Lots of doubts, questions and unknowns.  But, I have a choice to focus on those or on more secure thoughts. Accidents  happen.  He is young and healthy.  We live close to the children's hospital and specialists who know how to fix this.  He is happy and vibrant and will do fine.  This has been done many times before and kids grow in to adults who run and play soccer and live active, full lives after ACL surgery. So, I think I'll focus on that and live the surgery once.  And that will be on the day of the surgery, not before, not after.  When it's over, he will need me to help him recover and I want to be my best, healthy, happy self too.  So, for today, I'm gonna go make breakfast for him, because right now that's what really matters to him!! :)

At least I'm doing one thing right!

.....rubbing feet.  It's that simple.  I could end the post right here and enough said.  But, I'll add.....just do it.  I know you're thinking, "ewwww!  that's gross!" or "I'm not touching anyone's feet".  I'm going to challenge your thinking here.  Really?  So what that feet stink.  They've been in shoes all day.  Or running barefoot and covered with dirt.  Look at those feet!  Little or big, you helped create them!  They work, they run, they grow, they get tired and dirty cause they are living life, it's a really great thing!  So, why is rubbing feet so very important!  Cause it's a game changer.  You know, that play in game that changes the entire outcome of the rest of the game?  It can be one play, like an interception or a couple of good plays, but it changes the direction the game was going in and builds momentum and wah-lah.....victory!   I believe rubbing feet is a game changer in our relationships with our kids (or all this applies to spouses too).  Here's the "How to":  1) Get a bottle of lotion or cream (my favorite is body butter at Walmart--Vanilla Almond scent--it's easy to rub and smells good!)  2) Have your kid lie down on the bed or sitting down (if they're feet REALLY stink, send them to the tub for a 30 second scrub--trust me they'll run to do it after the first time).  3) Rub.  Sometimes talk happens, sometimes it doesn't.  Both are good.  It only needs to take 2-5 minutes depending on how much time you have and what conversation develops.  Here's what I've learned.  Touch is so important and it's easy to quit touching our kids as they get older.  But, it matters.  And there's something about rubbing someone's feet that is very tender in a humble sort of way.  When Christ was here one of his last acts of supreme love was washing his disciples feet. It is a supreme act of love, and our kids feel that.  It doesn't even need to be said, although there's nothing wrong with saying it either, but they feel it.  And little or big, our kids love it.  They look forward to it now.  They plop down and pull of their socks and soak it up like little (or big) sponges.  And often their mouths start dribbling on about their day or their friends or happy things or sad things.  Sometimes I converse back, teach, or counsel, sometimes I just listen.  But, they know I love them and they know I care.  And that gives them courage and confidence to just be who they are and keep carrying on with you in their life.  My relationship with my kids is stronger, there are more hugs, more kind words, more willingness to help and just be pleasant.  It's not the answer for every problem, but it helps and it's something simple I can do EVERY DAY!

Carry On Despite Chaos

The chaos is an every day matter, isn't it?  But, when I can remove myself from it all just a little bit and remember what it is that really matters, it isn't the clutter or the chaos.  It's the people, the moments and the opportunities to love, teach, and nurture.

I know I get going along in my day and I can't hardly push pause.  The day is in gear and if I shift out of it, I may never shift back in.  The clutter will mount and I'll get further behind, dinner might not get made and homework and reading will definitely take a hit.  If there's one thing I've learned over raising kids for 23 years it's that the chaos goes up and down.  No matter what you do or how hard you work, it's never ALL done.  You may enjoy a clean house for 20 minutes, but it never lasts.  But, what really matters every day?  Seeing those moments in people's lives where you can really make a difference.  It may be just a little one, it may even be more for me that anyone else.  So, the challenge then becomes being able to carry on despite the chaos.  To really SEE those moments and opportunities in people's lives and be able to push pause a midst the chaos and act on inspiration and that's a choice.

Have you ever watched "Psych"?  It's a detective series starring Shaun (who has "psychic" powers) and Gus, his sidekick.  Shaun isn't really sci-fi "psychic" just really observant to details and situations.  When it wants to emphasize what he sees that no one else does, it shows him looking at something and then it highlights the thing that he sees.  Maybe it's some paper in the trash or fingerprints on door or something out of place.  Well, that's how I like to try to identify the really important things in the day a midst all the clutter and chaos.  Maybe it's when a kid needs a snuggle (highlight), or a teenager needs some time to vent (highlight) or your sweetheart needs his wife not just a roommate (highlight).  Or maybe it's just a bunch of ripened bananas sitting on the counter (highlight).

I stopped at my sister-in-laws yesterday to drop something off.  They are in the midst of remodeling their home and there was some chaos you could say.  But, the thing I remember most was the smell of fresh baked banana bread in the oven as I walked in. It smelled sooooo good and welcoming!  Somehow despite all the craziness, she made banana bread (highlight).  And as each of her kids walked in, that's what made them smile and be glad to be home.  That is what it means to carry on despite the chaos and that matters every single day!

"To the Mothers in Zion"

Have you ever read the talk by Pres. Ezra Taft Benson, "To the Mothers in Zion"?  It's worth the read.  That said, it may not be an easy read.  While it validates my efforts and it also pricks my conscience where I'm coming up short.  Both are good.  He shares ten things for mothers to be focusing on.  1) Be at the Crossroads 2) Be a Real Friend 3) Read to you Children 4) Pray with you Children 5) Have Weekly Home Evenings 6) Be Together at Mealtimes 7) Read Scriptures Daily 8) Be things as a Family 9) Teach Your Children 10) Truly love your children.

It's worth reading what he has to say about each one of those and assessing how you're doing in your divine role as a mother.  We often get down on ourselves and discouraged, but I tried to read this talk as prophetic counsel.  If there's an area of weakness then work to strengthen it.  If there's an area where you're doing well, then endorse yourself for that!  Our lives in today's world seem more complicated than the simple days mothers had when rearing their children.  But, it's worth being reminded that it's all still a choice and the simple things are often the vital things.

I love a paragraph at the end of his talk, "Here is a beautiful tribute by a son to his mother: "I don't remember much about her views of voting nor her social prestige; and what her ideas on child training, diet and eugenics were, I cannot recall.  The main thing that sifts back to me now through the thick undergrowth of years is that she loved me.  She liked to lie on the grass with me and tell stories, or to run and hide with us children  She was always hugging me.  And I liked it.  She had a sunny face.  To me it was like God, and all the beatitudes saints tell of Him.  And sing!  Of all the sensations pleasurable to my life nothing can compare with the rapture of crawling up into her lap and going to sleep while she swung to and fro in her rocking chair and sang.  Thinking of this, I wonder if the woman of today, with all her tremendous notions and plan, realized what an almighty factor she is in the shaping of her child for weal or woe.  I wonder if she realizes how much sheer love and attention count for in a child's life."

I love that none of those things cost money or take much energy.  They are simple things.  I can lie on the grass, run and hide, tell stories, rock, sing, and give hugs.  Just thinking about it makes me smile and want to pull my kids on to my lap!  Though most of them won't fit there anymore, I can still convey that I love them in other simple ways as I pray and listen.  Reading this talk validated for me the importance of what I do everyday as a mother and strengthened my resolve to be a good one.  Maybe today when my kids get home from school I can greet them into a "Haven of Delight" with a "Sunny Face!"

"Would you like a Do-Over?"

12 year old (full of raging hormones from puberty, lack of sleep from poor choices the night before, and frustration that he slept through his alarm): "You didn't wake me up!"......"It's your fault I'm having such a bad morning"....."You don't care about me"......"My hair won't go right"......"This is going to be the worst day ever!"  

Front door (innocent inanimate object):  SLAM!!!!!!

15 seconds pass, front door opens, (sheepish 12 year old): "I missed the bus."

Mom (feeling intense anger and resentment at being treated so badly, but mustering most mature self): "What would you like to do about that?"

12 year old (very stressed and raised voice): "Ugh!  Can you just take me?"

Mom (debating whether to make him walk to school in the rain for acting so poorly all morning, but decides to try another approach): "Yes, but would you like a Do-over while we drive so you can practice not being so grumpy and defensive?"

It's pretty much a scenario being repeated all over Layton this morning.  Is there a right way to handle these interactions?  Going on instinct alone results in confrontation and yelling, I've tried that.  Doesn't work.  Lots of parenting books I've read say not to interact with them when they act this way, ignore them, walk away, refuse to help, let them suffer the consequences of their poor behavior.  Also, not one of my favorite approaches, no one wins and the anger festers for later, and you still have the dilemma of getting to school cause you really don't want them staying home at this point.

(Light shining down highlighting this paragraph):  However, the "Do-Over" approach has worked well for me.  It's what both us and our kids really want.  A second chance to try that again, this time with the knowledge that what we just tried didn't work so well and a clean slate to try again.  So, why not?  It's what we do when we want to get better at something, practice and practice and practice.  Think about music or sports or spelling or any skill for that matter......if you want to get better, you have to practice!  So, why not behavior?  When our kids (or even us) make a mess of things, we can interrupt the ensuing crash and burn and ask them if they'd like a do-over.  "Hey, this isn't going very well for either of us, let's pause for a minute and then try a do-over."  It's basically practice for better behavior and interactions.  Right now it's with us, their mom or dad, but someday it will be with their husband or wife, their boss or their own kids. Trying again with knowledge of what didn't work so well and effort to make it a little better often results in improvement.  And that's what "Do-overs" are all about.

Mom (relieved that all parenting for the last 12 years hasn't been wasted and that there is a more peaceful feeling as beloved child exits car)  "Have a good day!"

12 yr. old (much calmer and relieved as getting out of car to face crazy day at Jr. High): "I will, thanks for taking me mom."

No door slam.  :)